Being Limited: The Truth About Comparison And Fitting In
How I burned out, stopped fitting in, became curious and did better.
TL;DR
🛑✋ Stop comparing yourself to others: you might be learning in a different direction.
⛔🥅 Fitting in is not a goal: it’s boring, and you’ll do better staying true to yourself.
🏃 You’re not in a rush: stop to appreciate new opportunities - you have the power to choose.
When I was 25, I finished my computer science degree.
The world was opening. My friends and I all finished our studies, and were ready to take on the “real” world. I had a job lined up. I would be making more money than I ever had, and I felt like the journey that is my life had reached a significant point.
Not all was great, though. I was not a great people person at the time. I was too reserved. I thought this would be an initial issue at the new job, but one I’d overcome. I believed I’d be learning new things and feel like I belonged.
I was excited.
The Job
I was hired as a software engineer for one of the larger companies in the country. One with many projects and internal teams, utilizing many different technologies. With this setup, the realities of budgets often emerge.
Someone eventually has to pay for software.
Teams are downsized if budgets are tight, and individual developers reallocated. For the next 3 years, I spent my time being tossed between projects every 6 months.
The state of new projects, and the ease of onboarding differed, and I had to learn new technologies with every change. My colleagues would change as well.
I could make requests for which technologies I wanted to work with, and while management would attempt to satisfy them, it would have to make economic sense. Such is our plight.
Each time felt like starting a new job. I started feeling a sense of impermanence. Nothing seemed to last. While I had initially been excited to learn, I was overcome with the feeling that nothing mattered.
Why try to excel, if what I needed to excel in was transient?
The Decline
After about a year and a half things changed. I was getting tired, and I had not yet gained a sense of belonging. I felt like my conditions for improvement were worse than others. I was getting envious.
I believed I was being left behind.
My personal life was getting worse. I’d get home unhappy that I felt behind. I wanted to improve, but did not know where to direct my focus. The only thing more exhausting than doing is thinking about what to do.
I wanted to quit.
I thought maybe software engineering wasn’t for me after all. I did not know how to handle the situation. Eventually, I stood up for myself. I expressed to management that I believed I was being misused. I felt like a resource, rather than a person to be developed and guided.
My manager then told me he was unsure I was a fit for the company.
Comparison - The Thief of Joy
I don’t know why I didn’t quit on the spot, but in that moment I realized I had been spiraling. My perspective was incorrect, and my attitude wrong. What my manager said was beyond dumb, but I believe it wasn’t said out of malice.
I wanted to prove him wrong. Or rather, I wanted to prove to myself that I had something to offer - that I was more than a simple resource.
And that’s just the thing. Each time I changed project I handled it well. I was doing good, but I couldn’t see it.
Why couldn’t I see it?
I realized I was comparing myself to people with specific knowledge and more experience. But is that all there is to compare? Would they be as adaptable? I was always learning, just in a different direction. Why was I even comparing anything?
I took matters into my own hands, and started building frameworks to handle a changing environment. I also got a newfound appreciation for soft skills and the importance of versatility.
Yet, what my manager said still lingers. I am not a fit for the company. And I don’t want to be.
What the fuck does that even mean? Why should I base anything on “being a fit”, especially for something as meaningless as a single company?
Now, looking back, I realize I learned a lot. I learned how to be adaptable — and what actually matters.
My perspective had been reframed. I don’t care what they think. I care what I think. Paradoxically, I wanted to actively become more curious, and that has helped me perform better. I am excited for the future where I follow my curiosity and take more control.
Are you not able to see yourself doing good?
You might just have the wrong perspective.
The Power To Choose
During my experience I did not have to do anything. I chose to. I was not powerless, I had the autonomy to decide. Most of the time we all do. Whenever you feel you have do something, think again. Why is it not a choice? How can you reframe it into being one?
Are you not learning, or are you learning in a different direction?
Curiosity has become one of my driving factors. Your journey is not a sprint. I wanted to move fast, get promoted, make more money, and I lost track. It is okay to smell the roses, to try something new. It’s more than okay.
It’s fun.
Life’s opportunities are not inconveniences. Be grateful that they are given to you. Let your curiosity take over, and enjoy yourself. How can you take your circumstances, and build out something better?
Some opportunities might turn out to be duds - so what? Now you know more about yourself.
Are you in a rush?
Time spent learning is not wasted. It just might not be immediately apparent how it is beneficial. But it will be.